…to make me realise me

i need something,
i need someone,
to hold my hand,
to pull me back,

before i jump from the green bridge,
to make an artwork, a beautiful one,
with all my dark red-red blood,
made from the most wonderful thud,
when the road and i, passionately kissed,
oh what a moment, moment full of a bliss,
what a time, like this is,
hope i won’t, hope i won’t be missed,

at the edge, wondering, if i, should just let go,
and like a boat, directed by the current, move with the flow,
see where it takes me, maybe I’ll see, a beautiful sunrise,
that unwraps itself, out of a box, like a little surprise,
like a surprise,
like a surprise,
surprise,

oh-oh dear me,
i’m kind of afraid,
to be free,
of these chains,

i need something,
i need someone,
to hold my hand,
to pull me back,

but i risk losing it all, for a chance that i didn’t take,
and i wouldn’t this to go down, as one of my greatest mistakes.

– M

paper notes:

new experiences, so unknown at times they are. so known at times they are not. but they come. they definitely do. many a time we will find ourselves taken by an unexpected gush of winds to new lands. ones that we ourselves have never bothered treading on. so here i am. here we are. standing on this bridge, the green one, wondering if we’ll ever want to jump in and experience these feelings or adventures. wherever they may lead us to.

we stare down into these experiences and know the full extent of what they mean to us or what can be achieved. so what holds us back? the past? the present? the fear of the unknown? do we need someone or something to nudge us in or do we need to be pulled back? all these ‘pebbles’ sometimes hold us back from a beautiful artwork that we’re about to create. all these things sometimes hide the true moments in life that could be full of bliss.

so we stand there. on the bridge. filling our minds with all sorts of pebbles such as ‘what if’, making them boulders for reasons that should not even be in train of thought. other times, we let go, not because we want to, but because we want to see where we’ll go. after all, it’s just an experience right? who knows, it could lead us to a new place with new sights. ones that we never knew existed.


then again, we risk losing it all with the chances we didn’t take. then the thought of us not taking that leap keeps us company, like death to human beings, until we die (sometimes) a little inside. sure at times we’ll be afraid but once you’ve jumped you’ve already broken one of the chains that was keeping you captive. so why not just jump.

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…to stop being my addiction

how did you, become my darling?
and i fell, for your rod, paper, smell,
when i chose, i purchased, a promise, my pledge,

how did i, become your darling?
and i kissed, and you kissed, and we kissed, yes,
i inhaled, you burned, my lungs, blessed,

on a daily, i would light you up,
cause all my days, we’re just humdrum,
breathe you in and out, till i threw your butt,
hoping all my buttons, wouldn’t be undone,

so i went to drown my lungs in your clouds,
felt so much better, than ending up in a shroud,
how nice of you to infect my chest,
with beautiful sunsets full of zest,

how did you, become my darling?
and i fell, for your rod, paper, smell,
when i chose, i purchased, a promise, my pledge,

how did i, become your darling?
and i kissed, and you kissed, and we kissed, yes,
i inhaled, you burned, my lungs, blessed,

should’ve left you, at the shell station,
or bought myself, a five-leaf vacation,
could’ve halted the big cuts from your knife,
cause i’d prefer the effects of hunger and strife,

now your smoke causes an itch in my eyes,
and now i remember why i called you a surprise,
thank you for all the wonders and thrills,
but it’s time to move on to ‘boro from dunhill,

dear me, why didn’t you just remain passive?
but we know, your taste’s the one that made me active,

from my draw, from the pack
to the kiss, on my lips,
from the taste, on my tongue,
to the smoke, in my lungs,
from the ‘tine, in my brain,
that’s how you bound me with your chain,

even now, as i go,
on this gift, i tie a bow,
cut supply, stop the flow,
put an end, to this show,
all that’s left is the tar,
of all the memories of your scar.

– M

paper notes:

relationships, in form of friendships, significant others or any other form are the most beautiful gardens with the most wonderful draws of scent. we’re always eager to explore, find out how the flowers look, feel and smell. the more we dive in the less we want to let go, the more we want to garden and get our hands dirty ‘cause we want to maintain it.

we put in so much effort and time into them when we water, prune “unwanteds” and provide the sunlight they need to grow and produce. we even attract insects for pollination making sure our longevity is ‘assured’. it’s quite a sight at how dedicated and/ devoted we are to them. heck! they can even be mistook to be our church – attending diligently, singing, praying, offering and tithing.

put a little distance between two people and that’s how we begin to see changes. both big ones. and little ones. positive. and negative. on one end we see those who at least try to make sure that the garden is maintained. sure they’ll miss an occasional watering or pruning day but at the end of the day they still took time or even better, created time to do it ‘cause they know what it means and who the person is/ means and they value that/ them. i applaud them for that.

contrastively, we have the ones who’ll reduce their impact on your garden, failing to realise that distance takes effort. they’re kinda like, to be blunt, “i miss you, we should definitely hang out” or “i want to be your shoulder” but never show any interest in achieving their lies. it’s never an easy step to be so far apart and we all deal with it in different ways but ‘our ways’ should neither come in between nor jeopardise or destroy what we had when we were closer.

‘my dear, distance is the most true test of a relationship.
haven’t you noticed? i stopped paying attention, i stopped texting, i stopped calling, i stop putting in time and effort ‘cause the ride we’re on is just an endless exhausting cycle. i got tired. of wanting to hear a certain buzz or ring, of planning “outings”, of wanting to see you… i have so much anger and rage… it’s funny how we’re nine months into the year and i just realised it.’

you grow apart, the flowers begin to brown, some reach a crisp crunchy state, the weeds end up suffocating you. it reaches a point where you have to let go or wither away. and it hurts. but reaching that self-realisation is the ultimate step to a new beginning. but just remember:

it’s just as much on you,
as it is on them.

_a political promise?

with conviction i said,
this season,
this new one,
i would no longer fall,
never again.
i meditated on it day,
and night.

“i can’t believe we made a promise at the garden. i can’t believe i made a promise, to you, at the garden. to tell you all my stories. complete stories. was i sure? am i sure? it’s like i stumbled upon a jade stone. drawn by your enigmatic allure. with so much vitality. and i leaned forward in sudden consternation. not wanting to be out of your presence.”

slowly,
a creep here,
a creep there,
i was on the edge,
holding on,
wanting to let go,
to cleave the air.

“i can’t believe we made a promise at the garden. i can’t believe i made a promise, to you, at the garden. to show you my world. my whole world. and i drew closer and closer. to you. just as i too, drew in the wonderful grey clouds of the blue marlboro sky into my lungs. inhale. exhale. in. and out. oh, how this is something i want to quell. but how can i when your cancer is all I desire?”

i was free,
a slave no longer.
i was finally free,
to breathe, to explore,
i wanted to,
hoping,
subservient it would be.

“i can’t believe we made a promise at the garden. i can’t believe i made a promise, to you, at the garden. to show you me. the one who isn’t faceless. and i wanted to remove the mask you wear on your face. don’t look at me that way. it’s not my fault that after a third of a complete season, i yearn to know which of the stars in your constellations blink. and which ones don’t.”

and i fell,
and you fell,
not only into God’s light,
in the heaven’s,
but also,
into the dark abyss,
where the devil himself reigns,
‘cause that’s the promise we made.

but i’m just dumb enough to try,
to keep you in my life,
for a little while longer,
and i’m insane enough to think,
i’m gonna get out with my skin,
and start my life again.

father john misty – just dumb enough to try – God’s favorite customer

1529355753922but not this one

_meteorite (i)

this is the first installment: part 3

memories from my past

ten minutes later

i came to see you. today. i went to the beach. to the ocean. i closed my eyes. i breathed. i let out a sigh. i…

ten minutes before

i saw you again. today. for one last sight. along the coast. where we’d met on the first of mays. sunset. sunrise. i had never seen an ocean. so calm. so cool. with splashing waves crashing and seagull-screams. relaxing. with a wind that breathed life into me. never blowing the leaves off my tree. though it was fall.

i advanced towards you. i stepped in. so frightened. so eager. on my broken boat. to explore everything in the deep blue. from the reefs to the devil’s triangle. this was no desert. one that i’d been travelling on, with the hope of seeing a bright white star. to guide me to the messiah. the one who wouldn’t save me. this was the mighties of the mighties. a blue sapphire, a stone so marvellous. mesmerising it was. “don’t look at the blue light,” klaus told marcel. but i did. i was drawn closer. and closer. and closer. all my fears. gone. i began to row. i didn’t understand the hollow because to me you filled a huge black hole.

and there i was. surrounded. floating. i felt safe. protected. you were all i wanted. needed.

we had many adventures as you engulfed me. through the tides. highs and lows. tosses and turns. storms. it was magical. so unreal. the best feeling i had ever felt. experienced. period.

one last storm came. and we couldn’t control the lightning because hela destroyed our hammer. and we lost the lightning that lit our spark. and unlike thor we failed to find it within us. silly us, didn’t we know that the most wonderful rainbows come after a storm?

even now as i sink to where there is no light,

you are still shining, even if i can’t see you.

i guess sam was right, wasn’t she? denial. anger. depression. doubt. appreciation. determination. optimism.

i came to see you. today. i went to the beach. to the ocean. i closed my eyes. i breathed. i let out a sigh. i let go. i opened my eyes. and i realised that just like maya angelou,

“i didn’t come here to stay.”

 

“9’12.12-19.5.5-25.15.21-12.1.20.5.18.”

  • 4.5.12.17.9.19 

    part 2 will follow next time. ’til then…

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til’ we overdose

_when november came

what we had was lost the day we found it. do you remember?

voice note, november 7th 2017

“Hey! I’m not sure of what to say. Or why I’m here but sometimes I just need to let it all out for me to let go. So here goes nothing! I am honestly just tired. Exhausted. Beat down. I stayed! Through it all. For you and only you. All the jokes, all the games, all the beating around the bush fiasco. I should’ve listened to my friends’ when they told me to run for the hills. Well, I guess it’s better late than never. Pun intended. You know, it’s quite a shock that ‘I’ didn’t become ‘we’ just like the English teacher said it would when it was plural. That’s actually pretty sad and funny considering the far we’ve come. Through this wonderful journey that has to come to an end. Sadly. I didn’t want to let go but my hand was tired of being strung along by your sweet words or YouTube songs you kept sending that always kept me at bay but wanting more. I wonder how it took me this long realise but you weren’t wrong when you said, “Only those who are blind will see.” I guess now I’m blind cause now I can see. Everything. The unanswered texts, unanswered calls, the blow-offs for our “dates”, unanswered questions, no answers. So much for your mystery. I always thought you felt the same way as I did for you but I think you were too afraid to jump into the ocean with me. Was it the sharks? Was it the jellyfish? No? I bet it was the dolphins. I think it’s best I leave that thought of us by the trashcan, you know, like where our future is. So much for me climbing up the damn wall you put around yourself and your claims to be impenetrable. The amount of effort I put into our friendship or relationship or whatever doesn’t come close to anything you put into it, and maybe this will change. Someday. Anyways, I kinda wrote you something since you love literature and I hope you’ll like it. Or not. But I have to go. To leave. You told me to volunteer for the magician’s show. Little did you know I would never come of out the box. It saddens my heart but honestly you painted me a blue a sky with a beautiful yellow that’d warm my face; turned it to rain. Vile it was. I broke my own heart loving you.”

_to the one i love

police. ambulance. siren. mama reverberated, “don’t light a fire you won’t be able to put out with water.” how could i? darkness. blind. alone. chained. caved. left. forgotten? never. with you every one of those ceased. to exist. you were there. always. the sun. my sun. revolving around. me. my sunshine. my light. my guidance. how you led me astray. as the earth to the sun i found myself. at the start point. again. hoping. dreaming. wanting. believing. for a new beginning. i waited. and waited. waited. for my face to feel your ray. for your light to come my way. only for it to show me who really are. and i saw all that was truly behind your mask.

you think you know? this young man,

who closes all doors, leaving you in the black, till you are lost inside,

who finds solace in pain, when he breaks you into the littlest, once you see the true reflection in the mirror,

who’ll forget you in the cold, for the wolves to feed on, laughing at your piercing cries for help,

who’ll forget you, like an engrossing book he read, as you suffocate from the collected dust,

filled with darkness, dragging you to hell and back, till you become the devil he created,

who’ll take you to a sunny beach, only to drown your body in the salty, burying you under a majestic sand castle,

who’ll make you dance, toss, twist and swirl you around, in a pool of your tears,

who will always leave, a master of walking away he is, he will forever be loyal until he isn’t,

who is faceless, engraving the deepest scars in your life, you will never know he was the one that killed you,

my love, masquerade of all sorts, who fools all, till their fall.

sometimes all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart – WCH

a match. a light. a spark. a flame. so dry. so dead. with life. untamed. burned. spread. consumed. to ash. a blank canvas with a colourful splash. black. dark. blinding. shining. on. off. a sky full of stars and he was staring at her. crazy. psycho. lunatic. stupid. ludicrous. out of mind. just the right madness to make her interesting. breathe. trust. let go. smile. laugh. skip. see. believe. that’s all i wanted. you could never love her, the fear of losing her would be too strong. “she was a rainbow, but he was colourblind.”

for better. for worse. a promise i made. all that lies. here. is the gravestone i laid. finally.

yours truly,

  • the girl who stayed longer than she should have

 

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