youth novels and wounded rhymes

rays are being emitted from my skin,
hitting the blue dress that is bombay sapphire gin,
won’t you take a look at the refraction?
a premonition of the sudden change of direction,
of my heart, of my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

my white light has been split into a spectrum,
a feeling i get when i kiss morgan’s rum,
that lights me up into an incredible seven,
the only true definition of heaven,
in my heart, in my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

i can’t be the pirate fifty-six after basile,
to steal your heart in the 17th-century pentamerone,
i think i want to be the lost little glass slipper,
with qualities of a salvatore ripper,
from my heart, from my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

i hope we get to spend summer in december,
a vision of the future in my head,
without the presence of any embers,
kept alive on the path of fire we tread,
in our heart, in our minds,
a vivid imagination plays,
me and you, you and i,
a love till the end of days,

so let me run,
let me run,
so let me run,
let me run,

for salvation comes to only those who want to be saved.

untitled 19, 3

march 5th, 2015

i’m sure you are surprised as to why this letter has come to you four years after my passing. i did this before i crossed the great divide and gave someone i trusted strict instructions to keep this until today. four was always ours.

march 5th, 2019

my dearest hawi,

i am currently seated on my hospital bed, surrounded by two doctors dawning white coats, conducting a few more tests on me. i can see the dedication that they have towards making sure i live through the next month but i know now that i’m on my last leg. it’s only a matter of time before i go to back to the dust whence i came from. as the swahili proverb goes, aliye taabani hana uwongo (a person on the deathbed tells no lies. a person about to die is not afraid of the consequences), i am writing to you the truth. my truth to you.

you were always a difficult man. complicated some might say. i fought to know you and it was never an easy task. you and your never ending questions and enigma could be contrasted to the rubik’s cube which i still couldn’t solve. such an uphill task it was but i’m glad i pushed and pushed until i broke your “impenetrable” walls. i got to see the boy who loved the sun. the man who adored nature. the one who loved the mind games. i was always in awe of all you. most of all i valued your honesty, one which cannot be rivaled to anyone because of its brutality.

so i too, must be honest with you. it was not my parents who requested you to be crossed off the visitors list. it was i, your sunnies, who decided to get your name off the list because i could not bear the sight of you to see me how i was anymore. i am and are disgusted and tired of myself and everyone. i hate the world. all the dreams i had were just but what they are now, dreams. so i pushed you away and made sure you stayed as far away as you could. i know you still come everyday. i read your letters and keep your flowers watered. sometimes i look out the glass in the door, just to see if i can get a glance of your cheeky peeks. oh, how i love them. how i miss them. i must admit that i have failed to see the essence of your famous words, “look to your left, look to your right. look to your to back and to your front and i will always be there” but with good faith.

i’m sure your mind is pondering as to why i did this but this is one of the hardest lessons you will ever learn. one that i am glad to teach even if tears flow down my face at the thought of never seeing you again. as i said above, “…is not afraid of the consequences”. it didn’t take me long to understand your game(s) and how well you played them. a master of the craft you are. in summary they would be, ‘i will know everything about you but you will never know anything about me’, something i fear may be one of your downfalls in the future. i am hurting right now. i still feel untrustworthy, something i know is one of the strongest pillars of any relationship. the far we’ve come and not as much as i’d like to believe. better yet, what was perceived. how i feel like i’ve fallen into a trap, right into your jaws. i always wondered why you call yourself a wolf. i guess i do know now.

you have to understand that there will be other times when you will meet new people, with the same drive that i had, if not greater, to push past your walls. they will play along with you and you will enjoy the circles you take them round in. woe unto you those who are your dearest, for they will soon discover your aura of mystery, and they will push you to make an important decision: to draw to a close your game(s) or to divorce your wife, control. control over who knows what, who gets what but ultimately who is who to you. the feeling shall be a new one. one that will push you to the edge because it will exemplify your biggest fear, which i think will be brought about in a discussion if you’re ever to be found out.

i leave you here now. to think about what i have to say. it is my hope that one day you will or someone will make you realise. i say this smiling right now because i would like to be there when that happens and have a laugh calling you a fool. my time is near and i feel myself withering away with each breath that i take. i know one day my body will be still and stark.

i can only wonder where you’ll be in the four years as i write this to you. i hope you will remain the same and never change with the exception of the above. i hope you go out into the world and explore its depths and breadths. an adventurer you are after all! i hope you meet wonderful people, who you will grow to love and never want to let go. i hope you open yourself up and let yourself be consumed by them and all that is around you. i hope you breathe again. i hope you live.

i will always love you. now and infinity.

your ray,

sunnies

PS. i  wrote for you a small piece on the next page. i hope you enjoy it.

untitled 19, 3

last memory,
white coats revolving,
bullet in the cylinder,
one finger on the trigger,

the chance i have,
one in six,
countdown’s begun,
to my final ticks,

future unknown,
a seam not sown,
two acting roles apart,
which lines will i say by heart,

a look at the door,
face’s not there,
true sign of the times,
land that’s left bare,

pushed you away now,
travelled to a new town,
cure to my syndrome,
found a new place to call home,

didn’t want to be mark foster,
to say i miss you,
today you just might lose her,
one final breath is drew,

put you on zero green,
dangerous game of roulette,
ball landed on black fifteen,
now i find myself in debt,

spun the cylinder round,
placed the muzzle on your head,
didn’t know your fate was bound,
pumped your brain full of lead,

i watched you go away,
no returning back to egypt,
tried to add up our sum,
t’was less one digit,

tears flow down my face,
each for the loss of you,
i just want your embrace,
before i go through,

the door i hope will be white,
a pure sign of flying peace,
a step closer to that sight,
a step closer to my cease,

now as i return to dust,
i want you to know,
that i’m really sorry,
i hope you accept my apology.

untitled 19, 2

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s not been sent,

it’s not the first,
it’s not the last,
a decision made, based
on your past,
if you’re not ready,
i respect your choice,
even if it is, with
a monotone voice,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s been sent,

i want a book,
not a chapter,
a long one to walk,
not this paragraph,
downcast that this has,
to come to a halt,
what could be, kept
away in a vault,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s not been sent,

one step taken,
the right one I hope,
tough task ahead, up
a very steep slope,
will i journey over,
to the other side,
i can’t wait anymore, to
cross the great divide,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s finally been sent,

one becomes two,
two form different paths,
how i wonder, what went
wrong with our maths,
gradients are the same,
means we’re parallel,
no more photographs, to
build our carousel,

so tell me,
is this our end?
a message,
that’s been penned.

– M

_when november came (ii)

desires,
kisses on your neck,
ineligible,
i think colors beck,

who am i to fall,
for dear white-lemon jasmine,
are my three wishes done,
is this the last i’ll see aladdin?

purity,
tosses and turns in bed,
untrodden,
santa’s ‘sis no red,

who are you to fall,
for dear alpha of the pack,
protest when you’re slain,
became the prey for attack,

connected,
touch between two hands,
independent,
spectrum chaos of cézanne,

who are we to fall,
into the red magma pit,
strike of clashing souls,
a match never to be lit,

who am i?
to know what i want,
who are you?
to have a change of font,
who are we?
if we don’t know,
who are we?
to hare from growth.

paper notes:

my head’s a rainbow of chaos,
seven that have been split from white by a prism,
my head’s thinking about the words of amos,
root of nine by root of nine that is realism,

“i have always said that honesty would be the death of me. a blade so sharp to cut through to one’s depths. i’ve been thinking a lot. about compromise and sacrifice. weighing each in my hands to determine the path i want to take. neither’s obviously an option so why do i still linger if i already have my answer. i had it then. i have it now. what’s the difference? maybe i’m looking for loopholes to my principles. my foundation system of belief(s) that i have lived and abided by.”

“i have always said that with me, it’s one-oh-one or nothing. an expectation so high but achievable by all. i’ve been thinking a lot. about putting up an appeal at the appellate court for clemency. to find out if i can reverse the outcome of my decision and change my fate. i hope it will be repealed. it seems that that is the direction i am willing to take. a portrayal of a forgotten prayer and law(s) that i have dedicated my life to. a turn of my back on ‘my own country’ that i pledged to be forever patriotic to.”

“i finally have my answer. one that i know i shall be happy with. one that i know i will be content with. one that i know accentuates the worth of the values in my life. one that breaks me but truly makes me stronger. one that shows me who i truly am. a move towards an end of what i hope will be the conclusion of a chapter or the beginning of a new one.”

seated here i am full of wonder,
blade in hand made from my words,
seated here my next actions to ponder,
flying uniformly like a flock of birds.

PS. I’m still waiting for the answer to my question.

…to make me realise me

i need something,
i need someone,
to hold my hand,
to pull me back,

before i jump from the green bridge,
to make an artwork, a beautiful one,
with all my dark red-red blood,
made from the most wonderful thud,
when the road and i, passionately kissed,
oh what a moment, moment full of a bliss,
what a time, like this is,
hope i won’t, hope i won’t be missed,

at the edge, wondering, if i, should just let go,
and like a boat, directed by the current, move with the flow,
see where it takes me, maybe I’ll see, a beautiful sunrise,
that unwraps itself, out of a box, like a little surprise,
like a surprise,
like a surprise,
surprise,

oh-oh dear me,
i’m kind of afraid,
to be free,
of these chains,

i need something,
i need someone,
to hold my hand,
to pull me back,

but i risk losing it all, for a chance that i didn’t take,
and i wouldn’t this to go down, as one of my greatest mistakes.

– M

paper notes:

new experiences, so unknown at times they are. so known at times they are not. but they come. they definitely do. many a time we will find ourselves taken by an unexpected gush of winds to new lands. ones that we ourselves have never bothered treading on. so here i am. here we are. standing on this bridge, the green one, wondering if we’ll ever want to jump in and experience these feelings or adventures. wherever they may lead us to.

we stare down into these experiences and know the full extent of what they mean to us or what can be achieved. so what holds us back? the past? the present? the fear of the unknown? do we need someone or something to nudge us in or do we need to be pulled back? all these ‘pebbles’ sometimes hold us back from a beautiful artwork that we’re about to create. all these things sometimes hide the true moments in life that could be full of bliss.

so we stand there. on the bridge. filling our minds with all sorts of pebbles such as ‘what if’, making them boulders for reasons that should not even be in train of thought. other times, we let go, not because we want to, but because we want to see where we’ll go. after all, it’s just an experience right? who knows, it could lead us to a new place with new sights. ones that we never knew existed.

then again, we risk losing it all with the chances we didn’t take. then the thought of us not taking that leap keeps us company, like death to human beings, until we die (sometimes) a little inside. sure at times we’ll be afraid but once you’ve jumped you’ve already broken one of the chains that was keeping you captive. so why not just jump.