march 5th, 2015
i’m sure you are surprised as to why this letter has come to you four years after my passing. i did this before i crossed the great divide and gave someone i trusted strict instructions to keep this until today. four was always ours.
march 5th, 2019
my dearest hawi,
i am currently seated on my hospital bed, surrounded by two doctors dawning white coats, conducting a few more tests on me. i can see the dedication that they have towards making sure i live through the next month but i know now that i’m on my last leg. it’s only a matter of time before i go to back to the dust whence i came from. as the swahili proverb goes, aliye taabani hana uwongo (a person on the deathbed tells no lies. a person about to die is not afraid of the consequences), i am writing to you the truth. my truth to you.
you were always a difficult man. complicated some might say. i fought to know you and it was never an easy task. you and your never ending questions and enigma could be contrasted to the rubik’s cube which i still couldn’t solve. such an uphill task it was but i’m glad i pushed and pushed until i broke your “impenetrable” walls. i got to see the boy who loved the sun. the man who adored nature. the one who loved the mind games. i was always in awe of all you. most of all i valued your honesty, one which cannot be rivaled to anyone because of its brutality.
so i too, must be honest with you. it was not my parents who requested you to be crossed off the visitors list. it was i, your sunnies, who decided to get your name off the list because i could not bear the sight of you to see me how i was anymore. i am and are disgusted and tired of myself and everyone. i hate the world. all the dreams i had were just but what they are now, dreams. so i pushed you away and made sure you stayed as far away as you could. i know you still come everyday. i read your letters and keep your flowers watered. sometimes i look out the glass in the door, just to see if i can get a glance of your cheeky peeks. oh, how i love them. how i miss them. i must admit that i have failed to see the essence of your famous words, “look to your left, look to your right. look to your to back and to your front and i will always be there” but with good faith.
i’m sure your mind is pondering as to why i did this but this is one of the hardest lessons you will ever learn. one that i am glad to teach even if tears flow down my face at the thought of never seeing you again. as i said above, “…is not afraid of the consequences”. it didn’t take me long to understand your game(s) and how well you played them. a master of the craft you are. in summary they would be, ‘i will know everything about you but you will never know anything about me’, something i fear may be one of your downfalls in the future. i am hurting right now. i still feel untrustworthy, something i know is one of the strongest pillars of any relationship. the far we’ve come and not as much as i’d like to believe. better yet, what was perceived. how i feel like i’ve fallen into a trap, right into your jaws. i always wondered why you call yourself a wolf. i guess i do know now.
you have to understand that there will be other times when you will meet new people, with the same drive that i had, if not greater, to push past your walls. they will play along with you and you will enjoy the circles you take them round in. woe unto you those who are your dearest, for they will soon discover your aura of mystery, and they will push you to make an important decision: to draw to a close your game(s) or to divorce your wife, control. control over who knows what, who gets what but ultimately who is who to you. the feeling shall be a new one. one that will push you to the edge because it will exemplify your biggest fear, which i think will be brought about in a discussion if you’re ever to be found out.
i leave you here now. to think about what i have to say. it is my hope that one day you will or someone will make you realise. i say this smiling right now because i would like to be there when that happens and have a laugh calling you a fool. my time is near and i feel myself withering away with each breath that i take. i know one day my body will be still and stark.
i can only wonder where you’ll be in the four years as i write this to you. i hope you will remain the same and never change with the exception of the above. i hope you go out into the world and explore its depths and breadths. an adventurer you are after all! i hope you meet wonderful people, who you will grow to love and never want to let go. i hope you open yourself up and let yourself be consumed by them and all that is around you. i hope you breathe again. i hope you live.
i will always love you. now and infinity.
your ray,
sunnies
PS. i wrote for you a small piece on the next page. i hope you enjoy it.
untitled 19, 3
last memory,
white coats revolving,
bullet in the cylinder,
one finger on the trigger,
the chance i have,
one in six,
countdown’s begun,
to my final ticks,
future unknown,
a seam not sown,
two acting roles apart,
which lines will i say by heart,
a look at the door,
face’s not there,
true sign of the times,
land that’s left bare,
pushed you away now,
travelled to a new town,
cure to my syndrome,
found a new place to call home,
didn’t want to be mark foster,
to say i miss you,
today you just might lose her,
one final breath is drew,
put you on zero green,
dangerous game of roulette,
ball landed on black fifteen,
now i find myself in debt,
spun the cylinder round,
placed the muzzle on your head,
didn’t know your fate was bound,
pumped your brain full of lead,
i watched you go away,
no returning back to egypt,
tried to add up our sum,
t’was less one digit,
tears flow down my face,
each for the loss of you,
i just want your embrace,
before i go through,
the door i hope will be white,
a pure sign of flying peace,
a step closer to that sight,
a step closer to my cease,
now as i return to dust,
i want you to know,
that i’m really sorry,
i hope you accept my apology.
faceless mask 