nine-nine

tales of two in new york

if i am a friend, and you
are my partner,
why must we hide?

if you are a friend, and i
am your partner,
why are we tied?

in perfect harmony,
of notes in tears
behind ocular lenses,

with brother memories,
in perfect view of now
which will be ended,

amy says,
“the drunk sings”,
won’t heroin be my Jesus?

this is it, white
horse screams and shouts,
oh, won’t you come seize us!

for this will be,
the last ride of two
in the city of new york,

is the darkness ours to take?
words of suspirium
found only through yorke,

why don’t we do it now?
0.1524 km
is all it takes,

but we have to honour the badge,
so this time
we will sit and wait,

so i will wait for amy’s,
“me! i saved the flippin’ day!”,
at 8.30 p.m. in the bar,
to hear that nothing’s changed.

little songbird, how noble and naked can you be?

it was before, my plus one of life,
fingers rotated, on the rotary dial,
calling lust for your innocence,
where the pure white rose blooms,
an attraction of café rose scents,
one of tom ford’s champagne perfumes,
leaving your petals on the ground,
a sin so fitting for eden,
“when’s the coronation? where’s my crown?”
for the king who conquered your garden,

it was on my, plus one of life,
my eyes met you, a lady of the night,
such beauty and mystique,
unpigmented, very scarlet,
could make a dumb man speak,
for one who is a harlot,
came behind you and touched – ,
a foreshadow of our clutched,
large and small hands on the streets,
and our bodies in stained sheets,

it was after, my plus one of life,
shrill tones heard, similar to a fife,
as i plant amaryllis on your neck,
trumpet-shaped from my urea covered lips,
said something loving a memory of the xx,
to create the mark of an eclipse,
on your sweet-tasting chocolate skin,
our wall destruction symbol in berlin,
when east and west did collide,
birthing existence to what would be alive,

this is now, this is not child’s play,
let’s remember, this *armistice day,
things worth our dripping sweat,
a beautiful sign of the times,
oh, baby let’s not forget,
like a new day to a sunrise,
rays revealing what we were exploring,
when we wake up the next morning,
with our naked bodies entangled,
unification of a never-dying candle.

*this is in no relation to armistice day observed today

youth novels and wounded rhymes

rays are being emitted from my skin,
hitting the blue dress that is bombay sapphire gin,
won’t you take a look at the refraction?
a premonition of the sudden change of direction,
of my heart, of my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

my white light has been split into a spectrum,
a feeling i get when i kiss morgan’s rum,
that lights me up into an incredible seven,
the only true definition of heaven,
in my heart, in my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

i can’t be the pirate fifty-six after basile,
to steal your heart in the 17th-century pentamerone,
i think i want to be the lost little glass slipper,
with qualities of a salvatore ripper,
from my heart, from my mind,
i thought Jesus came to save,
me from this, me from you,
i’m a coward, i’m not brave,

i hope we get to spend summer in december,
a vision of the future in my head,
without the presence of any embers,
kept alive on the path of fire we tread,
in our heart, in our minds,
a vivid imagination plays,
me and you, you and i,
a love till the end of days,

so let me run,
let me run,
so let me run,
let me run,

for salvation comes to only those who want to be saved.

untitled 19, 3

march 5th, 2015

i’m sure you are surprised as to why this letter has come to you four years after my passing. i did this before i crossed the great divide and gave someone i trusted strict instructions to keep this until today. four was always ours.

march 5th, 2019

my dearest hawi,

i am currently seated on my hospital bed, surrounded by two doctors dawning white coats, conducting a few more tests on me. i can see the dedication that they have towards making sure i live through the next month but i know now that i’m on my last leg. it’s only a matter of time before i go to back to the dust whence i came from. as the swahili proverb goes, aliye taabani hana uwongo (a person on the deathbed tells no lies. a person about to die is not afraid of the consequences), i am writing to you the truth. my truth to you.

you were always a difficult man. complicated some might say. i fought to know you and it was never an easy task. you and your never ending questions and enigma could be contrasted to the rubik’s cube which i still couldn’t solve. such an uphill task it was but i’m glad i pushed and pushed until i broke your “impenetrable” walls. i got to see the boy who loved the sun. the man who adored nature. the one who loved the mind games. i was always in awe of all you. most of all i valued your honesty, one which cannot be rivaled to anyone because of its brutality.

so i too, must be honest with you. it was not my parents who requested you to be crossed off the visitors list. it was i, your sunnies, who decided to get your name off the list because i could not bear the sight of you to see me how i was anymore. i am and are disgusted and tired of myself and everyone. i hate the world. all the dreams i had were just but what they are now, dreams. so i pushed you away and made sure you stayed as far away as you could. i know you still come everyday. i read your letters and keep your flowers watered. sometimes i look out the glass in the door, just to see if i can get a glance of your cheeky peeks. oh, how i love them. how i miss them. i must admit that i have failed to see the essence of your famous words, “look to your left, look to your right. look to your to back and to your front and i will always be there” but with good faith.

i’m sure your mind is pondering as to why i did this but this is one of the hardest lessons you will ever learn. one that i am glad to teach even if tears flow down my face at the thought of never seeing you again. as i said above, “…is not afraid of the consequences”. it didn’t take me long to understand your game(s) and how well you played them. a master of the craft you are. in summary they would be, ‘i will know everything about you but you will never know anything about me’, something i fear may be one of your downfalls in the future. i am hurting right now. i still feel untrustworthy, something i know is one of the strongest pillars of any relationship. the far we’ve come and not as much as i’d like to believe. better yet, what was perceived. how i feel like i’ve fallen into a trap, right into your jaws. i always wondered why you call yourself a wolf. i guess i do know now.

you have to understand that there will be other times when you will meet new people, with the same drive that i had, if not greater, to push past your walls. they will play along with you and you will enjoy the circles you take them round in. woe unto you those who are your dearest, for they will soon discover your aura of mystery, and they will push you to make an important decision: to draw to a close your game(s) or to divorce your wife, control. control over who knows what, who gets what but ultimately who is who to you. the feeling shall be a new one. one that will push you to the edge because it will exemplify your biggest fear, which i think will be brought about in a discussion if you’re ever to be found out.

i leave you here now. to think about what i have to say. it is my hope that one day you will or someone will make you realise. i say this smiling right now because i would like to be there when that happens and have a laugh calling you a fool. my time is near and i feel myself withering away with each breath that i take. i know one day my body will be still and stark.

i can only wonder where you’ll be in the four years as i write this to you. i hope you will remain the same and never change with the exception of the above. i hope you go out into the world and explore its depths and breadths. an adventurer you are after all! i hope you meet wonderful people, who you will grow to love and never want to let go. i hope you open yourself up and let yourself be consumed by them and all that is around you. i hope you breathe again. i hope you live.

i will always love you. now and infinity.

your ray,

sunnies

PS. i  wrote for you a small piece on the next page. i hope you enjoy it.

untitled 19, 3

last memory,
white coats revolving,
bullet in the cylinder,
one finger on the trigger,

the chance i have,
one in six,
countdown’s begun,
to my final ticks,

future unknown,
a seam not sown,
two acting roles apart,
which lines will i say by heart,

a look at the door,
face’s not there,
true sign of the times,
land that’s left bare,

pushed you away now,
travelled to a new town,
cure to my syndrome,
found a new place to call home,

didn’t want to be mark foster,
to say i miss you,
today you just might lose her,
one final breath is drew,

put you on zero green,
dangerous game of roulette,
ball landed on black fifteen,
now i find myself in debt,

spun the cylinder round,
placed the muzzle on your head,
didn’t know your fate was bound,
pumped your brain full of lead,

i watched you go away,
no returning back to egypt,
tried to add up our sum,
t’was less one digit,

tears flow down my face,
each for the loss of you,
i just want your embrace,
before i go through,

the door i hope will be white,
a pure sign of flying peace,
a step closer to that sight,
a step closer to my cease,

now as i return to dust,
i want you to know,
that i’m really sorry,
i hope you accept my apology.

untitled 19, 2

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s not been sent,

it’s not the first,
it’s not the last,
a decision made, based
on your past,
if you’re not ready,
i respect your choice,
even if it is, with
a monotone voice,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s been sent,

i want a book,
not a chapter,
a long one to walk,
not this paragraph,
downcast that this has,
to come to a halt,
what could be, kept
away in a vault,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s not been sent,

one step taken,
the right one I hope,
tough task ahead, up
a very steep slope,
will i journey over,
to the other side,
i can’t wait anymore, to
cross the great divide,

tell me,
is this the end?
a message,
that’s finally been sent,

one becomes two,
two form different paths,
how i wonder, what went
wrong with our maths,
gradients are the same,
means we’re parallel,
no more photographs, to
build our carousel,

so tell me,
is this our end?
a message,
that’s been penned.

– M

_when november came (ii)

desires,
kisses on your neck,
ineligible,
i think colors beck,

who am i to fall,
for dear white-lemon jasmine,
are my three wishes done,
is this the last i’ll see aladdin?

purity,
tosses and turns in bed,
untrodden,
santa’s ‘sis no red,

who are you to fall,
for dear alpha of the pack,
protest when you’re slain,
became the prey for attack,

connected,
touch between two hands,
independent,
spectrum chaos of cézanne,

who are we to fall,
into the red magma pit,
strike of clashing souls,
a match never to be lit,

who am i?
to know what i want,
who are you?
to have a change of font,
who are we?
if we don’t know,
who are we?
to hare from growth.

paper notes:

my head’s a rainbow of chaos,
seven that have been split from white by a prism,
my head’s thinking about the words of amos,
root of nine by root of nine that is realism,

“i have always said that honesty would be the death of me. a blade so sharp to cut through to one’s depths. i’ve been thinking a lot. about compromise and sacrifice. weighing each in my hands to determine the path i want to take. neither’s obviously an option so why do i still linger if i already have my answer. i had it then. i have it now. what’s the difference? maybe i’m looking for loopholes to my principles. my foundation system of belief(s) that i have lived and abided by.”

“i have always said that with me, it’s one-oh-one or nothing. an expectation so high but achievable by all. i’ve been thinking a lot. about putting up an appeal at the appellate court for clemency. to find out if i can reverse the outcome of my decision and change my fate. i hope it will be repealed. it seems that that is the direction i am willing to take. a portrayal of a forgotten prayer and law(s) that i have dedicated my life to. a turn of my back on ‘my own country’ that i pledged to be forever patriotic to.”

“i finally have my answer. one that i know i shall be happy with. one that i know i will be content with. one that i know accentuates the worth of the values in my life. one that breaks me but truly makes me stronger. one that shows me who i truly am. a move towards an end of what i hope will be the conclusion of a chapter or the beginning of a new one.”

seated here i am full of wonder,
blade in hand made from my words,
seated here my next actions to ponder,
flying uniformly like a flock of birds.

PS. I’m still waiting for the answer to my question.

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_when november came

what we had was lost the day we found it. do you remember?

voice note, november 7th 2017

“Hey! I’m not sure of what to say. Or why I’m here but sometimes I just need to let it all out for me to let go. So here goes nothing! I am honestly just tired. Exhausted. Beat down. I stayed! Through it all. For you and only you. All the jokes, all the games, all the beating around the bush fiasco. I should’ve listened to my friends’ when they told me to run for the hills. Well, I guess it’s better late than never. Pun intended. You know, it’s quite a shock that ‘I’ didn’t become ‘we’ just like the English teacher said it would when it was plural. That’s actually pretty sad and funny considering the far we’ve come. Through this wonderful journey that has to come to an end. Sadly. I didn’t want to let go but my hand was tired of being strung along by your sweet words or YouTube songs you kept sending that always kept me at bay but wanting more. I wonder how it took me this long realise but you weren’t wrong when you said, “Only those who are blind will see.” I guess now I’m blind cause now I can see. Everything. The unanswered texts, unanswered calls, the blow-offs for our “dates”, unanswered questions, no answers. So much for your mystery. I always thought you felt the same way as I did for you but I think you were too afraid to jump into the ocean with me. Was it the sharks? Was it the jellyfish? No? I bet it was the dolphins. I think it’s best I leave that thought of us by the trashcan, you know, like where our future is. So much for me climbing up the damn wall you put around yourself and your claims to be impenetrable. The amount of effort I put into our friendship or relationship or whatever doesn’t come close to anything you put into it, and maybe this will change. Someday. Anyways, I kinda wrote you something since you love literature and I hope you’ll like it. Or not. But I have to go. To leave. You told me to volunteer for the magician’s show. Little did you know I would never come of out the box. It saddens my heart but honestly you painted me a blue a sky with a beautiful yellow that’d warm my face; turned it to rain. Vile it was. I broke my own heart loving you.”

_to the one i love

police. ambulance. siren. mama reverberated, “don’t light a fire you won’t be able to put out with water.” how could i? darkness. blind. alone. chained. caved. left. forgotten? never. with you every one of those ceased. to exist. you were there. always. the sun. my sun. revolving around. me. my sunshine. my light. my guidance. how you led me astray. as the earth to the sun i found myself. at the start point. again. hoping. dreaming. wanting. believing. for a new beginning. i waited. and waited. waited. for my face to feel your ray. for your light to come my way. only for it to show me who really are. and i saw all that was truly behind your mask.

you think you know? this young man,

who closes all doors, leaving you in the black, till you are lost inside,

who finds solace in pain, when he breaks you into the littlest, once you see the true reflection in the mirror,

who’ll forget you in the cold, for the wolves to feed on, laughing at your piercing cries for help,

who’ll forget you, like an engrossing book he read, as you suffocate from the collected dust,

filled with darkness, dragging you to hell and back, till you become the devil he created,

who’ll take you to a sunny beach, only to drown your body in the salty, burying you under a majestic sand castle,

who’ll make you dance, toss, twist and swirl you around, in a pool of your tears,

who will always leave, a master of walking away he is, he will forever be loyal until he isn’t,

who is faceless, engraving the deepest scars in your life, you will never know he was the one that killed you,

my love, masquerade of all sorts, who fools all, till their fall.

sometimes all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart – WCH

a match. a light. a spark. a flame. so dry. so dead. with life. untamed. burned. spread. consumed. to ash. a blank canvas with a colourful splash. black. dark. blinding. shining. on. off. a sky full of stars and he was staring at her. crazy. psycho. lunatic. stupid. ludicrous. out of mind. just the right madness to make her interesting. breathe. trust. let go. smile. laugh. skip. see. believe. that’s all i wanted. you could never love her, the fear of losing her would be too strong. “she was a rainbow, but he was colourblind.”

for better. for worse. a promise i made. all that lies. here. is the gravestone i laid. finally.

yours truly,

• the girl who stayed longer than she should have

 

_in the deep blue

emvee

memories from my past

no one saw the tears,
flowing for years,
or offered him tissue;
assist with an issue,

no one saw him pondering,
not one even bothering,
or asking him why,
there is that sigh,

no one saw him on the ledge;
right on the building’s edge,
or offered him a rope,
when he felled down the slope,

no one was there to sense,
the screaming of his silence,
or stopped turning their back,
cause he wasn’t in their pack,

no one saw him drowning,
wanting to be breathing,
or pulled the hand,
buried in the sand,

no one saw the chains,
unbroken by all his pains,
or heard the yelp,
with the word, “HELP!”,

no one saw him collapsing,
though he wanted to be standing,
or helped him carry the boulders,
dragging him down by his shoulders,

no one could show him the beautiful,
all that was also wonderful,
or showed him happiness; bliss,
that he never knew would exist,
or make him have a feeling so great,
that would go from early till late,

no one knew the path he had chosen,
all because deep inside he was broken,
or bought batteries for his clock,
before the final tick-tock,

Nno one saw him letting go of the locket,
that he always kept in his pocket,
or saw the knife,
that would end his life.

-m

‘the light bulb has gone out. where darkness and darkness are together. forever. even though ‘good byes’ are painful, “i’ll see you later.”

mmxvi

‘IF I’M LOST, PLEASE DON’T FIND ME. IF I JUMP, LET ME SINK.’
‘THEY SMILE. DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU. LOOK INTO THEIR EYES. THEY’RE BREAKING INSIDE.’
‘YOU ARE THE MISTAKE I WON’T LIVE TO REGRET.’
‘YOU DON’T TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. YOU GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.’
‘NEVER LET A STUMBLE ON THE ROAD BE THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY.’

“Goodnight,” You said;
“Goodbye,” I said.
And you never
thought twice
about
it.

_the storyteller (ii)

Pinterest

it’d been eighteen. i stole. i glanced. you stole. you glanced. i ran. you chased. i fell. you caught. you gave. i took. a chance to dance. that i got. twist. turn. toss. you led. i followed. i swung. i jumped. you sprung. i leaped. i flew. you touched. i bent. i arched. breathless i was.

a huge feeling that could i not quell,
that kept on growing like a swell,

it’s been nineteen. and you’re still the dragon that rules my skies. keeps me aflame when you breathe into my lungs, with your kisses on my lips. they said that the brave men did not kill dragons but they rode on them. and boy did i ride on you.

you flew, i rode, you showed, i saw,
mountains, valleys, forests; no flaw,
like you promised.

in your beautiful red-brown eyes,
a jewel blessed with disguise,
i wandered. lost. in the jungle,
knew i was in no trouble.

you were the black rose mother warned me about. you pricked. i licked. i tasted. i loved. wanted to lay in, on top, beside, under you. till all of you, was inside all me. you pricked. i screamed. here. there. everywhere. the positions you got me in. pleasure in pain.

you undressed me. my thoughts. layer by layer. my inner most being. naked. vulnerable. exposed. that’s how i ended up undressing for you.

you were the big brown snake in the ‘the jungle book’; wrapped me in your arms. i felt safe. warm. loved. your voice. told me this. i did. told me that. i did. did you like it? i did. suffocate me you didn’t, but your bite; i came back for more. and more. and more. it poisoned me from within.

the rush. the sweat. the heat. the beat. in .out. in .out. in. out. that’s how it goes right? moderate. fast. fast. slow. slow. slow. exhale. inhale. exhale. i could sense my ticker going for one last run. you took control. i let you.

and i fell,
to a spell.

i took a bath in the stars and
my scars were sparkling and
i didn’t want to get out because
maybe if i stayed
they would become a constellation
but they didn’t.

you said,
“i’ll aim the gun and fire; right at your heart.”
she said,
“you are nobody until someone kills you.”
she said,
“i will manipulate you for your own good, i will save you but kill you in one breath.”
she said,
“don’t light a fire you won’t be able to put out with water.”
you said,
“don’t fall into the ocean i’ll drown you in.” but baby, don’t you know? i wanted to quench my thirst for you. your salt left me dry.

i should’ve listened.

you were my sun. my light. my guidance. i burned at your touch. consumed me till i was the ash you blew away.

---

just keep it true,
–
seasons change,
it’ll never be the same,
we’ll see the sun again,
before it fades,
…

some memories never
leave your bones. like
salt in the sea; they become
part of you.

– and you carry them

this will be the beginning of your end. next time…

_the storyteller (i)

Pinterest

 

for the stolen words, thanks to IKM and WK.